Category: thoughts

truth.

the beginning of something new.
the beginning of something new.

Every time I read this, I get a little shiver of excitement:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

I want to be in that place. The place where fear takes a back seat and I can let that light shine with confidence. Real freedom. Truth and Love. Fearless Beauty.

Yeah.

JOY comes in the morning

whitesides

What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been, friends. As you may know, last week I drove down to Virginia to stay with friends while looking for a place to live and work in North Carolina. When I arrived in Virginia I learned that my friend Brandon, who had been battling cancer for many years, was a lot worse off than I realized. The doctors had just decided to stop giving him treatment because it wasn’t working. We all wanted Brandon to beat cancer another time. We wanted a miracle. We didn’t want to have to say good-bye. But Monday afternoon, Brandon passed away

When I think of Brandon, one word that always comes to mind is “joy”. His laugh could bring joy to even the hardest of hearts. I remember a year or two ago I drove down to visit friends in Virginia and when I walked into my old church, Brandon saw me and said, “Is that my Kim Bonner??” But the way he said it was like God himself was speaking through him. Later on, I thought of how God calls us by name and is absolutely thrilled that we exist. I am His Kim Bonner. Brandon is His Brandon Brinkley. I can totally see God saying that on Monday afternoon. “Is that My Brandon Brinkley?? It is!! Welcome home, son!”

For three days it did nothing but pour down rain here. It felt like heaven was crying right along with all of us that knew Brandon. But last night that rain turned to snow. This morning I woke up to everything covered in white. At least seven inches of the stuff! There’s something so calming and serene about snow; and so bright too. It reminded me of the verse that says, “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.” I am so thankful that I got to know Brandon while he was on this earth, and while it hurts to know I’ll never get to see him here or hear his infectious laugh again, I know that this isn’t really good-bye. I will see him again in heaven, and that’s enough to bring me joy this morning.

it’s all about how you look at things…

perspective

I recently watched part of a documentary where they asked a musician if he regrets not living a conventional life in order to pursue his dream. He responded by saying something along the lines of, “I am living a conventional life. I’m not being shot at. My house isn’t being bombed. I’m not in jail for something I didn’t do. My life is infinitely better than a majority of the people in the world.”

Kinda’ puts it into perspective, doesn’t it?

Killing Comparison, Part 2

Yesterday I talked about the crippling effect that comparison has had in my life and the lives of people around me, and today we’re getting down to the tricky part: how do we stop killing ourselves with comparison? Here are a couple ideas I have come up with. There’s no order to them and they are by no means comprehensive, but take a look and let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you about how you conquer comparison in your life!

1. Stop listening to the lies that say you aren’t good enough. I know – easier said than done, right? But for me, I had to make the conscious decision to stop like living like the underdog when in reality I am just as awesome as everyone else. It wasn’t an instantaneous change, but making that decision set me on the right track. Whenever I find myself comparing my career, relationships, or accomplishments with others, I have to stop myself and make the choice to think differently. It can be a constant battle sometimes, but the more I stop myself from comparison, the easier it gets, and I eventually started noticing that I was doing it less frequently as time went by.

2. Let go of expectations. This is a really important thing to do: ask yourself if there are any times when someone has put false expectations on you. Maybe your grandma makes comments about how she thinks you wasted your college degree, or maybe your family members hassle you about not having kids. Forgive them and let it go. The choices you make may not be the choices that others approve of, but their happiness is not your responsibility. As Bill Cosby once said, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

3. Be part of a positive community. If you are surrounded by people who tear you down so they can feel better about themselves, it’s time to get some new friends. Seriously. You need to be living in a community of people who build you up and encourage you to be yourself. It may be scary to step out and try to meet new people, but it can be done. Join a book club, volunteer at a charity, check out a church small group – there are tons of opportunities. Go where positive people are. If you don’t have anyone to encourage and support you in life, you will end up going back to those old mindsets in no time.

4. Take time to heal. If you find that you can’t believe that you are a good person because of things that others have done or said to you, it might be a good idea to find someone who can help you discover the truth about who you really are. Get counseling, talk to your pastor, take a weekend retreat by yourself or with some friends who you can share your heart with. Take time to process the pain, forgive people who have hurt you in the past, and acknowledge past mistakes and forgive yourself. Make the decision to not let the past define you anymore.

5. Be proactive. Instead of worrying about the negatives, try to focus on the positives instead. If you find that you usually compare yourself to others in certain areas, find a way to turn it around. For instance, I struggle with comparing myself to the successes of other artists. To combat that, I have to choose to see myself as part of a community of fellow artists – we’re in this together, not in competition. When I see other artists as equals instead of trying to figure out if I am better or worse than them, that takes away the need for comparison. There’s room in this world for their art as well as mine, because we all have unique was of expressing beauty and it connects with different people. Then I am able to celebrate their successes instead of getting bogged down by jealousy or bitterness.

Also, it may help you to take some time to identify things that jump-start comparison for you. If reading fashion magazines makes you freak out about your looks, then maybe it’s time to stop reading them for a while. For me, if I spend more time doing a certain thing (surfing the net, watching TV, etc.) rather than creating, I know I need to take a break from that thing for a while. “Everything in moderation” is a good way to go, I think.

6. Separate what you do from who you are. Remember: what you do does not define you. If you try something and it doesn’t work out, that doesn’t make you a failure. When someone says no to your idea/product/creation they are not saying no to you as a person, they just don’t like your idea. That’s okay! Find someone who does like it, or find a new idea. I know that it can be hard when people don’t understand or embrace what you have to offer, but you have to learn to be okay with that. Sometimes your idea needs work. Sometimes people just have bad taste. Keep working at it – don’t stop being who you really are and doing what you love just because someone else doesn’t get it.

Okay, I’ve given my two cents, now it’s your turn to weigh in! All three of you that read my blog! ;) How do you overcome comparison?

******

P.S. I feel like maybe I should add that constructive criticism and evaluation are very different from comparison. I think it is totally fine to look at something you’ve created and decide if you have done your best or if there is room for improvement. The danger is when you look at something you’ve done and compare it to someone else’s work in order to decide if it is (or if you are) any good or not.

Killing Comparison, Part 1: The Unicorn Is Not For Sale

part of a painting – not the whole story.

Lately I’ve been struggling with knowing my purpose. I thought I had a clear idea of what I was supposed to be doing with my life, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to be doing, but things just haven’t been working out the way I’ve wanted them to. The last month or so I’ve found myself starting to wonder if I’ve made the right choices, if I have enough talent to fulfill my dreams, if I’ll ever be successful, if I even know what success looks like… you know, all the usual doubts and fears. I had been doing so great the past couple of months and all of a sudden, wham – I had no idea what I was doing or if I should even be doing it in the first place. How did this happen? Oh, right: comparison!

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time reading a bunch of different “lifestyle” blogs – y’know, the ones that show you how to make a super-cute up-cycled coffee table out of old barn wood and vintage mirrors, or they post fashion tips from 24-year-old full-time bloggers with gorgeous homes and dreamboat hipster husbands. Or there’s the blogs by super-successful artists with their own lines of home furnishings and sold-out artist retreats where they serve organic free-trade tea and french macarons and everyone shares their “wild soul wisdom” or whatever. When I look at those blogs and start to compare my life to theirs, life gets depressing really fast. I start making an internal checklist of what a Good life looks like (Do I have a sweet, supportive husband? No. Great house? No. Successful licensing deal? Nope. Am I eating organic, free-trade, gluten-free vegan? Definitely not.) and I end up falling woefully short of these expectations. (Expectations that only I have placed on myself, by the way.)

There’s nothing wrong with those blogs, but it’s important to remember that what people post on the internet is never the full story. Things are edited, boring parts are left out, Photoshop gets rid of zits and wrinkles – other people’s lives always look better because we are only seeing certain parts. And that’s how comparison kills us! When I compare myself to someone else, I am comparing myself to a version of someone that isn’t the full story. That version is not reality. So I am trying to measure up to something that doesn’t actually exist, which means it is impossible for me to achieve. I once said it’s like saving up to buy a unicorn – it’s never going to happen. You’ve wasted your time and resources on something that will never be.

The only thing I will ever be successful at is being myself. Following my path and doing what I was meant to do. When I look at someone else’s life and try to be like them, I will never find success or fulfillment. There will only be jealousy and bitterness in my heart. So, instead of counting all the things I don’t have, I should be thankful for what I do have. I really do have a lot. It may not be what other people have, but that’s OK.

I am constantly surprised at how many of my amazing, talented, beautiful friends feel like they aren’t good enough. If they are single they’re unhappy because they should be married by now. If they’re married, they’re unhappy because they should be having kids/buying a house/making more more money by now. Working parents feel guilty because they aren’t home with their kids. The list goes on and on. So many people I know are stuck in this vicious cycle of comparing, then trying to perform so they can measure up, then falling short of expectations and hating themselves. It makes me so frustrated because they are such great people and they don’t seem to know it. But I can’t get mad at them, because I know I do it too.

How do we stop this cycle? How do we get to the point where we know our value and live accordingly?

Stay tuned! This post is waay too long, so I’m splitting it into two entries. Tomorrow I’ll be posting the rest of my thoughts on how to deal with comparison, and I hope you will join in on the discussion!

How do you keep from falling into the comparison trap?

gratitude.

I love this print by Mei Lee. Sometimes it’s more important to me to be able to laugh in front of people (my laugh can be pretty obnoxious), but being able to think out loud in front of people is pretty important too.

This week I’m in Virginia visiting friends. It’s so nice to be back with the people I can think out loud in front of. This is the place where I’ve learned so much, made mistakes, tried new things, succeeded and failed… but the most important thing is that I did it all within a community of friends who loved and supported me. It was a safe place to grow and find my voice. And I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for them. Sorry to get all sappy on you, but it’s the truth.

This is where I learned that mistakes are not the end, they just teach you something that you will need to know later on in your journey. Attempting something and falling flat on your face while in a safe place is so much better than doing it when no one is there to catch you. This was (and is) a place full of fearless dreamers, creative souls, and truth-seekers. They have inspired me to take the road less-traveled, to keep loving even when it’s rejected, and to not settle for second best. So, Rick, Paula, Tullio, Tammy, Ernie, Kathy, Jennifer, Annika, Bev, Sarah, Rob, Ron, Mitch, Leigha, Heather, Tara, Toni, Laura, Angie… the list goes on and on… THANK YOU.